Frozen in time. Static. Nothingness.
It was almost as if I couldn’t absorb those words properly. To be pushed back. Back to something that I didn’t think I enjoyed. To be in somewhere where I always was for a while, yet I never wanted to be.
Was it rude of them to send me back to a place I thought I didn’t like? Or was it awful of me, because no matter how much I tried — How much I desperately wanted to make this work, it just didn’t? I’m not sure. I don’t think I can ever be certain if it’s my attention that isn’t great, but if anything, part of me just wonders. When being in a situation like that, was it that they wanted to put me back in the position for a while because I seem to operate better in it, or was it they couldn’t care?
This is just something I have been pondering about this past week. And I know that within these situations, you shouldn’t take it personally. But sometimes, it feels so hard not to. When I had heard those words, after all of the stress. It’s not just because of the errors, but also how long I was taking to finish the task.
But what made me all frazzled… It’s almost as if, out of nowhere, with the mistakes that had suddenly jumped out at me threw me off of my feet. Shaking, trembling, my mind ran wild, thinking about how I was taking too long and that the mistakes were as if someone was trying to prank me… Except, they weren’t.
It was a weird and draining experience. Others have said that this is temporary. They will bring me back eventually. Yet that other part is… I would guess that I needed a break. Something to relax and calm me down. Yet there was this other part of me that is happier to stay and help out. Not worry about this role that I just can’t seem to figure it out, and… I can’t ever be certain.
It was close to a couple of days where I was starting to get calmer, where I wouldn’t need to worry about the issues that came with getting the tasks wrong.
Except, they were right. This was deemed to be temporary, even though what they said seemed permanent. Feeling stuck, swayed by it all… And just wondering on what to do… I chose it only if there’s lessons. But now I wonder, if they’re really listening?
Now, let me pull you back:
Who has ever experienced that? This experience was draining. And I will admit. It wasn’t the center of fortnight, but it clearly was something unravelling. If I were to be honest: the work that I do full time, outside of the writing and the newsletters, blogging and all of those sorts is busy, and draining in its own right.
And this experience, how I felt… I know I have felt like that for a while, maybe a long time that I have got used to the treatment. And I suppose after that experience, and what I would call demotion (or would I call it that if people were to always drag me back to something I would be better at but have done first? I don’t know.)
But I do know that the point of it all is after talking to others, After noticing their values aren’t that well fitting into what I want to do with my life, and… Somehow, I got the extra energy to spread it elsewhere. I didn’t think I would have the energy — the power to go about and send to other people in albeit an unconventional way, just to get the notice, the attention that I need and deserve.
Conclusion:
Now I know this is an unusual topic for me to talk about. But I do want to say, I am trying. I am trying to hold onto that hope where life will get better, and that I won’t have to always have to wonder, struggle and maybe in some ways, feel like I have to full on hide myself, which may have to be in some ways the norm when it comes to those jobs. But I know that with things like that, if I want to evolve, change and grow, sometimes, I have to admit the problems I do have before trying to figure out a way to solve them all.
So, I hope to see you all next fortnight.