Hello guys! Welcome to the blog, I am very pleased to have you here.
So this is an embodiment of things that has happened in the last few weeks. So I have decided for better or worse, to stop using tumblr yesterday. Or at least, use it in a different purpose to how I have been using it.
There is a fascination that comes towards writing, when it’s done for the right reasons. But when statistics, likes, followings and reblogs comes to the picture, even for the fact that there is this sense of feeling,. This urge, that you feel like you are disappointing your readers, just because you aren’t bothered to post every single day with the constant gifs that people somehow seem to excel at while also posting updates.
And I suppose it gets to a point where you finally realize after a time, where there’s question of: ‘Do I want to keep doing this?’ pops up? ‘Am I doing it for the right reasons?’
After posting on there for two years and trying to change the scheduling, trying but not bothered to look at how other people are doing, because although it is nice to see how others are doing, others, you are comparing yourself. Especially when self-deprecation comes to the picture of if you are doing as great as you were once before.
I can’t compare the business to work, as it seems to have calmed down in terms of workload to a degree. Yet there were stressors that… Made me struggle than more I was willing to admit.
It has happened for months – since the start of the year. But a few weeks back, since the major stressor left, it had me quite exuberated for the week. And, I created a post about it. It was something that I admitted to myself while also trying to please the other readers by talking about characters. But when I sent it and I got a reply for it… I wasn’t in the best headspace to see that comment, much less, reply to it.
There were talks about therapists in their own experience and their thoughts about characters… But really, I was trying to be seen. Heard, and maybe even have some comfort with it. Not that. That was not the comment I was hoping to receive.
I was thinking about that comment for a while. And over time, especially when I have thought in terms of how I’ve been posting and writing. I haven’t been enjoying it at all. The posts felt like a chore, and although that post, was a struggle to produce, it was also something I wanted to share. To let a bit of myself out into the world. Because writing is supposed to, in some shape or form, release that small part of yourself into the world and get people to understand you as a person a bit better. And with the name I had chosen for myself… I had realized I may have constricted myself, one where it put me to chains of talking about the creative. And while I am locked away from the REAL bittersweet stuff of storytelling might get glossed over, even if there is a sense of writing and creation into it.
I want to write into that. To blend my experiences and deliver stories that are relatable to the human condition. To communicate the struggles and tribulations that I have had and transfer and translate it towards characters who show and express those joys and struggles. I will admit, I have been missing my characters adventures as of late. With Braedon, Lucile and Jules going through the prophecy of Spirit and coming to a conclusion that pulls the strings interesting ways and comes into a conclusion that is dire. It was a reminiscence, so I have since gone back into exploring more of my characters.
Exploring how their lives have been structured and made, reading scenes that I have created… It’s all been nice. But I cannot lie and say that the analysis of my life has taken the forefront as of late. But those characters, and all of the other ones I have made in the Sorcerer of Runes series, I am so proud to see the progress with how all of these characters have grown over time.
And I suppose that is where my creative direction is going as of recent, more into the real-life stuff. What has been happening as of late, analyzing the events and the interactions itself. To try and understand how people work, even if I may be wrong and seeing what I can learn from it, and adapt it to my stories.
But I will say after the months of the hard work of analysing, confusion and inner turmoil, it’s like to hear the surprising close of Mark Manson and his final episode of the Subtle art of not giving a F*ck podcast and how he felt like he had to follow what the audience wanted and not what he truly wanted to do… Then my friend echoed to me later with a smile, “You are free to do whatever you want now! To read, sleep in, go to places. You are free to do what YOU want.”
There is a sense of empowerment with it, I was laughing. After some pondering into it, I knew this is a new chapter for me, and I’ve let the previous chapter linger for a bit too long. So I have to close this chapter, whether or not people commented on it.
It was nice to know you tumblr writing friends. But I know that I had to move on to something different, and that, I will now do.